Happy New Year to you all! For whatever it's worth and whatever that's supposed to mean. Are we supposed to be happy all year? Are we supposed to be happy the year is over? Happy we got through it without the world blowing up? The world kind of did blow up yesterday in the eleventh hour when our beloved Betty White died. One final blow from 2021 because I mean, who wasn't a fan? Who didn't sit around with their parents and watch Golden Girls and love it even though they had absolutely no idea it was full of raunchy jokes about old people having sex? When I heard she died I cried a little, but only a little because that's breaking the rules of the New Year. Yes, there are rules - many of them, and I wrote a whole blog about it and then there was a "problem with my internet" and my autosave failed me, as did all the rules I diligently followed last night and today, and I lost everything. So here I go again, and as Sincerely Jason said, "writing the blog that was meant to be read," letting you know what the 11 simple rules are for being Happy for 365 days in 2022... or at least most of the time:
1. You are supposed to write down all of your wishes hopes and dreams and then burn it. So I sent my family a text in the group chat - because we don't actually talk to each other - and made sure they understood the assignment, and more importantly, the due date was New Years Eve at midnight. Lily took it a step further and told me that she saw on TikTok that you're actually supposed to drink the ashes of your burnt hopes and dreams. I'm not one to question white magic so I did it but then I texted my friend Karmela and said, "I'm not sure if Lily is pranking me but I just drank a mixture of ashes and college ruled paper bits with my oat water (to make me skinny) so that my wishes are sure to manifest." I knew Karmela wouldn't judge and in fact there was an LOL but a follow up with, "okay but you can also speak your intentions and manifestations into your water and then drink it. That's also supposed to be extremely powerful."
Well that would've been a tad less messy. To cover all bases I put my face in my special edition Starbucks sippy cup, spoke my dreams and then downed what was left of my ash water. Jason chose to burn his dreams outside and drink in the backyard, Lily supposedly did it on her own though no one has proof and Maddy was at a party with her sorority sisters so I'm sure she drank away much more than her hopes and dreams.
2. Next I told my family they needed to write down everything you don't want from this year to follow you into next year. Fold the paper four times; once away from you then counterclockwise to the left, then away, then to the left and then bury it.
"Bury it like where? A graveyard? Or like at the park?" This is not Sincerely Jason's first rodeo.
"No I think our yard is okay, we just need to put to rest all the things we no longer want to carry with us" This is definitely not as desperate as the last time when I made him throw a jar of my negative energy and feelings towards people into a river of running water. The things this guy will do for me.
I thought long and hard about this one and then I grabbed a spoon and my neatly folded faults and went outside. I give it two days max before Butters digs up my pettiness and anxiety about fatal illness.
3. You must eat 12 grapes on NYE; a Spanish tradition of each grape symbolizing hope for the months ahead but you cannot eat chicken - your luck will fly away, or lobster - you will have a year of setbacks. I announced this no less than five times, even at the table celebrated Sincerely Jason's birthday lunch at Roscoes with the extended fam. Perhaps I couldn't be heard over my champagne fueled sister arguing with the server about the 75 cent charge for extra balsamic, but Lily ordered the Jay Bird despite Rule #3 so not sure what 2022 is going to look like for her. However, she later came home to find out she got 100% on her English Essay final despite the fact that she wrote about Omicron and Masks being bullshit so perhaps my New Years food rules are just conspiracy theory. And in my sister's defense, even Chipotle lets you know when the Guac is extra.
4. You cannot start the New Year with empty cupboards, they must be full because that will be an indicator of how your year will be...abundant. This is not an issue because I had planned to hit Target one last time before 2021 ended. The problem is I had Lily with me so my cupboards (and freezer) are now full of Takis, Mochi and Strawberry Oatmeal, but full is full.
5. The next rule is that you must wear something new on NYE and NYD. I don't make these rules and I don't know why but this one is not one I am going to questions. Since I was at Target, I went ahead and picked up some fake SKIMS loungewear and even though I looked like Kevin's long lost giant labradoodle mom, I was cozy and perfectly matched to my champagne and leftover Christmas aesthetic. I don't plan on changing out of my fuzzy set on NYD so I hope that counts as something new for that day too. No one has to tell me twice to purchase a new outfit to wear for anything.
6. You must celebrate New Year's Eve and start the New Year with money in your wallet so that you will have luck in money all year long. I wasn't sure a debit or credit card counted and so I made sure Sincerely Jason and I each had a crisp Andrew Jackson in our wallets as we counted down the new year. I may be a public servant with little control of my income, but I'm not letting a shitty teacher pay scale dictate my 2022 cashflow. Rule #6 don't fail me.
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7. After your New Year's Kiss, if you're lucky enough to have one, take the first step with your right foot so you get off on the right foot. Then, go over to your front door, open it and let the old year out. I did one better and cut the figurative cords that I unknowingly allowed people to attach to me. I actually did a metaphorical cord cutting a few months ago and I keep my "scissors" handy to trim those split ends every once in awhile. You may laugh but there are negative energies in your life that will attach onto you without your permission and they will way you down and you won't even know it. Sometimes you need to cut those cords and wish them luck out there on their own.
8. Don't clean your house on New Year's Day. Yes you read that right. Do not wash dishes, take out the trash or do laundry. You could wash or throw away our luck. I don't know about you but I am not willing to roll the dice on that one. I did two loads of dishes yesterday so I wouldn't have to stare at a pile in the sink all day today. If I really wanted to stare at a pile of dishes I could just go up to Lily's room. Wanda (the Roomba) did some vacuuming today but I think a bad day for her is rolling over a bobby pin or getting barked at by Kevin, so she is willing to chance it. No, I'm going to sit here today and not wash, fold or throw any of my much needed luck out into the trash.
9. Pay your debts. I probably needed a little more warning before I heard about this rule but I paid my cable bill and my car payment so I hope that counts. It's bad luck to start the New Year with debt and I'm thinking the reason why is pretty self explanatory. We cut up credit cards years ago so we are good there and dance bills no longer loom over our heads so really my cute little Amazon and Target habits are the only thing that might try and bite my ass in the New Year. So I guess if you can pay your debts, 2022 will be kind, and if you can't....your next favorite TV star will die?
10. Cleanse and sage your house. Easy. Check. Done and Done. Funny thing, I grew up in the Catholic Church being misted with Holy Water spray every Sunday but other than that, we never so much as said a prayer around a dinner table or even spoke of a guardian angel. In fact, when my mom suggested my dad say a prayer before we eat at the Thanksgiving table this year, we all but choked on the mashed potatoes we were already inhaling.
My girls have grown up in a house that is all spirit guides and angel numbers. We burn esphan, sage, bay leaves and color coded candles to do everything from scare away evil spirits to cure Covid. I woke up this morning and Sage-d the entire family, both dogs, the frogs, the fish, the front door, the porch, even the perimeter of the house just in case any negative energy neighbors want to take a morning walk and disrupt my Happy New Year energy field. Yeah I believe in that crap and you should too. Two of the frogs died today and we found a lizard in the house last night that Sincerely Jason accidentally killed while trying to get him outside. I freaked out it was bad luck and started googling the symbolic meaning of it all. Jason said it's not bad luck, they were clearly familiars sent by our enemies and they were supposed to die. Dear God what have I done to him?
11. And the last rule of a Happy New Year. No crying on New Year's Day. WTF? How in the actual hell am I going to get through the day without crying? That's like my biggest personality trait? You know what though, this is good for me, because I hate that crying is my biggest personality trait. Maybe if for once in my life, I don't get all nostalgic and sad and weepy on New Year's Day, then I won't cry like a little bitch all the way through 2022. Maybe I'll laugh more and worry less and actually put to bed some of the things I buried and live some of the ashes and paper bits I drank. One can wish. One can hope. One can dream. So I will lie around looking like a giant labradoodle and not watch a marathon of the Golden Girls today. Instead I'll watch Snapped, or Killer Couples or Buried in the Backyard - real life murder and tragedy that weirdly never makes me cry. I'll plan my trip to Disneyland Paris and I will just not cry - at least until tomorrow.
Happy New Year Friends